...I've finally gotten everything ported over to WordPress. This blog will now be left as an archive. Please find me at my new home:
http://walkingtowardrefuge.wordpress.com/URL's a bit lengthy, but the other choices I tried were all taken. :D Forgive me!!
Well, I hate to say, it, 'cause I love da layout, but I've made the decision to port this blog to my wordpress account soon. I love the functionality over there, and that's where all my other creative projects are so...expect a move soon.
In more serious news - I've been missing for so long because my Dad's liver began failing. A couple of weeks ago I called in some favors and managed to fly up to see him in Mt. Sinai. To be honest, my Mom and I figured he'd be dead within a week - he was really sick, y'all. And it was hard to watch the progression of his illness. He was diagnosed with hepatic encephalopathy - basically as his liver failed, it would spew ammonia it couldn't process into surrounding tissues. This both ruined his muscle tone and messed with his cognition. When I flew up I hadn't really talked to my *Dad* per se in six or eight months.
So, for months and months I've done the only thing I could think to do for my Mom, as far away as we live. I was an ear to her concerns and fears and frustrations. That's been heavy, but I was SO glad to be able to do it. Figured it was the least I could do.
Anyway, he'd been on the transplant list for quite a bit, but we'd had 6 fall through - I few up on a non-refundable ticket because we had thought one was really it. I got on the plane thinking this was my opportunity to spend some last precious time with my parents together - that this was my goodbye to my Dad, more or less. I got off the plane and let my Mom know I was at JFK and I'm happy to report that during my flight they took my Dad into surgery for his transplant.
Long story short, and I'm sure I'll blog more about this and all the other things I've been thinking about - I'm so deeply grateful for transplants - I have my Dad back. Not the befuddled, very sick guy I'd talk to briefly on the phone for a big chunk of the last year - they really cool guy I adore and grew up with. ^_^ Transplants are gobsmackingly amazing. People go into surgery near-death and a week later are able to leave the hospital under their own power. I just hope donor families know how amazing and precious a thing transplants are. I am forever grateful to the donor family that gave my Dad a second lease on life.
Well, this post is meandering. I guess I should just say life has been keeping me busy. And don't get me started on the local economy and our little home based business.... :P
Next post, back to "normal" - whatever that is.... ^_-
Molly Brown, over at Destination the Journey, today broached something that is a strong component of my practice.
While you sit reading this, someone is giving birth, another is dying, another grieves the loss of a love one. Everything in the breadth and depth of daily human experience is happening right now.
As I move through my day, I do my best to bear this in mind, and honor all these beings and their experiences with my behavior. It doesn't always work, and I am constantly having to pull myself back to this thought, but I try to do my best.
When I begin to pity myself or my situation, I find remembering that many of my brothers and sisters are in far worse places returns me to center. I pray for peace and strength of heart for them, and then also for myself.
I want to make a point to say that I am grateful for the good life that I have. I guess blogging can lead to some self-absorbed introspection, which is quite honestly why I hesitate to post a lot of times lately. XD
All my life I have tended to gravitate towards the hardest, most difficult road I can take. I've been that way since I was little. When I was 5 or 6, it was decided that I was too forceful a person - too full of myself is how I once had it explained to me by my parents. So in the first grade (I started school a bit young), a concerted effort was undertaken by my parents and teacher to "take me down a peg." That was a hard year for me. I love my parents and know that they did not mean me real harm, but their efforts with my teacher that year were very successful. I have long since struggled with issued of self-worth and self-confidence. This is part of my Origin.Love is the capacity to take care, to protect, to nourish. If you are not capable of generating that kind of energy toward yourself – if you are not capable of taking care of yourself, of nourishing yourself, of protecting yourself – it is very difficult to take care of another person.
The great practitioners of nonviolence have never turned their heads or shrunk away from their own or others' suffering. Knowing the downfalls of aggression, they have been able to respond with wisdom and broad-mindedness. This type of wisdom and courage grows from our commitment to understanding our own mind and reactions and the causes and results of our actions. We develop the ability to accurately read and respond to the world around us without rejecting it. This is the practice of nonviolence. Of course this takes some maturity. We really need to cultivate this kind of maturity.
I found a quote I really liked in the book I'm reading right now:
"...we often still find ourselves disengaged from our own clarity, moving along without thinking...."
That's exactly it - I really can grok this - for me it's like residing a half-step away from being present.
Perhaps with a "deeper breath" and a more mindful effort I can "let go" and ease down into this clarity more often.
